My heart broke today

After teaching for 3 months +, I've suddenly noticed that my form 3 kids are rather illiterate. How could I have missed this? I was their teacher for 3+ months and I didn't realize this.

I was heart broken because this one boy who was chinese educated, didn't know much malay, who tries to come to my class even when all his friends abandons my class, couldn't read malay. Not only couldn't read, but simple suku kata of words were alien to him. I tried pronouncing the words for him slowly, but he still couldn't get the word. I had no choice but to spell out the word for him one-by-one.

I was heart broken because the students who I once thought were alright in that class, turns out to be illiterate as well. They could express their thoughts, they know the answers, but couldn't write it down on paper.

I was heart broken because the girls, didn't want to think, one question shot at them and their shoulders would shoot right up with a simple answer "tak tahu". I said something which I regret, something I would hate if a teacher would have said that to me, it slipped my tongue. "Kamu ni pun tak tahu baca ke?"

I was heart broken because I wanted to help them, but I don't know how. I want to teach them the basics of Malay, but it's not my area of expertise. I want to teach them Malay but I'm their Civics teacher. I want to teach them Civics but they don't turn up for my class with the already little contact hours I have with them.

I'm heart broken because I am only one person. I want to give them personal attention but each time I attend to a student, another student calls out for my attention. There are times I feel like tearing myself into many parts to attend to the needs of each student. So much I want to do, but I'm only one person. I'm limited to the time I have, limited to the energy I have before I burn out.....again.

How did these kids turn out the way they did? Reflecting on my life, I'm grateful to have parents who has the financial capabilities to push me through school with the aid of tuition. I wasn't any better in Add Maths, I wasn't even good in Accounts, I was failing Chemistry but because my parents are able, I manage to pull through secondary school. Without tuition, I wouldn't have gotten the results I got today. Little things that are taken for granted when I was a kid, things which felt like a right instead of a privilege are magnified today as I teach. I'm grateful for what I have.