I need to rant

My Schedule for tomorrow:

8.20-9.40 : Class
11.15-12.35: Class
12.35 - 1.15: Meeting (1)
2.30- 5.00: Meeting (2)
5.00 - 6.30: Extra Class

Meetings never ends on time.
Meetings means more job to do
Teach, attend meetings, extra work to do, more teaching.

DIE

Reached my body's limit

Today I experienced something I've never experienced before in my entire life. Its one of those horrible experience but yet I found it really interesting. So ive been working out at a gym recently to train for my upcoming hike at Mt KK and also viper Challenge at the end of the year. I got myself a personal trainer to teach me the right technique and also to push me and discipline me. I really outdid myself today. I did cardio, shoulders, biceps and chest and after that I felt like I was about to throw up, so I told my trainer to halt it. I started seeing stars.. and I eventually puked. I felt a little bit better after puking, but thats where the interesting thing happened. Stars started to cloud my vision, and I was completely blind. I can hear voices and instructions to take deep breaths, to pace, and to clap my hands. I knew my eyes were open, but I cant see anything. He asked me to walk, but I couldnt see where I was going. Blind, out of breath, neasous is a combo you dont wanna have. Deep breaths and hands clapping eventually worked, and I slowly regained back my vision by first seeing silhouettes and then colour. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever had, but yet one that intrigues me about the human body. Apparently, according to my trainer, my face was really pale, and after regaining my sight, my face flushed red again and he knew that I was ok.

I suppose I can now understand the look that he gives me sometimes. I used to think why does he look at me like that? But now I know the look on his face is a reflection of how pale I look in the face. I tend to push myself hard, ignoring pain because I thought no pain = no gain, and pain is a natural process of working out. After today, I finally realised there is a limit. And if I see that concerned look on his face? I should probably take a chill pill :)

Teachers as Leaders?

When I first join TFM, I join it for the sole purpose of the very apt hashtag #ForTheKids that TFM has. Some people saw joining the 2 year fellowship as a leadership development program. Back then, I couldn't see the connection of teaching and leadership. You mean teachers are leaders? Leadership in the teaching profession has never crossed my mind, simply because..well, you teach then you teach la! What is there to leadership in that?

Boy oh boy...I was wrong. There is so much about leadership to learn in the teaching profession. In fact tips and advice read in leadership books such as Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek etc. can be directly applied in the classroom. To be honest, I don't think I would be able to practice those values if I were to join corporate as a fresh grad, coz I would most probably be following another person's values and leadership instead of creating those values and being the leader of my team; however being a teacher gave me the privilege of having and doing all that. 

In the past 1 year and 4 months, I had a whole class of students chanting "PJ! PJ! PJ!" while banging the table in protest style just because I had to go back on my word of bringing them out for PJ (Physical Ed) due to circumstances out of my control. (it was raining!) I had students who after being threatened by me to get 15 demerit points for misbehavior, asked for an additional 60 demerit points, just so that he can be suspended and get a week's "holiday". I have a student who ignored my punishment for her to stand outside of class because she was fashionably late and she coolly walked away even after I yelled along the corridor to ask her to stand where stood. I had students who challenge me back when I gave them punishment for coming late into class, who hurl insults to me right in front of my face as if "respect for teachers" doesn't mean a thing to them. Not to forget the countless students who I tried to wake up during lesson time, but chose to ignore me even though I know they could hear me loud and clear. 

So, why am I telling you about all this? What does any of all these have to do with leadership? Being a teacher taught me that you can't force a person to do something they don't want to do; there is no such thing as "I have no choice". This is especially true in the classroom. In the workplace, you can threaten your staff of their salary or even their job if they demonstrate undesirable behavior to curb misconduct; in the classroom, there really isn't anything to hold them against (especially in my school's context) these kids don't see the point of coming to school anyway. Suspend them, they are happy they get extra holiday. Expel them, they are happy too because they don't want to be in school in the first place. Therefore being able to lead in a way where students follow you because they want to is something worth giving yourself a pat on the back for. It took me a year to gain the trust of my 5F students. It was a humbling experience of being on the ground with students instead of "Hey I'm your teacher! LISTEN TO MEEE!" Though not 100% of the class is with me, but I managed to get almost half of the class to be invested in mathematics and they now come to my extra classes regularly.

Every now and then, I get a new perspective of looking at things from the everyday situations that happens in class and in school. It reminds me of our nation, and being a teacher is a little like ruling your own small country in the school. It teaches me so much about actions and consequences in a small scale instead of at a national level (talk about Bersih 4.0)

Just my 2 cents of thoughts while invigilating exams today.       

A reminder to myself

Scrolling through Facebook sometimes gets very depressing because you just can't help but feel envious about other people's life. I see people who are younger than me, celebrating their birthday in extravagance, in hotels with enormous helium balloons with the number 23 on it, and I can't help but to go "WOW" at those pictures. 

However, everytime I see those pictures, I'm always reminded of how privileged I am and how my experience here has humbled me. I'm grateful and privileged to be born into a family where I do not have to worry about the financial standings of my family. I can choose a career path of what I want and love to do instead of being forced to do a job which I hate, but able to put food on the table. In fact in my current job, my parents still do and are able to sustain me financially as I'm a lowly paid government employee. (even though I try hard not to get financial aid from them) I'm privileged because I have a stable education background. I didn't have to study by day and work by night to sustain my family. In fact I was not allowed to do so, my sole responsibility was to study. Period. Didn't know the importance of it til I saw my kids living it. Who am I to tell them that their sole responsibility is to study when they have mouths to feed? I'm privileged because I came from a loving family, a supporting one where both parents cared for my education. I'm privileged to be who I am today, not because of my hardwork, but by the hardwork of my parents who have toiled to give us, my brothers and I, a future; a head start in life which not many people have. It's so easily taken for granted because I'm surrounded by people like me, with similar backgrounds, so it does seem normal to have these things. 

Today, I'm reminded that I should be grateful for what I have, and not to covet what I do not.