Midnight thoughts.. Again..

Kids, they surprise me sometimes. They do understand emotions, and to think that someone so young could understand such emotions fascinates me. I will never forget the girl who greeted me cheerfully every Sunday without fail, but sensing that something was wrong that day, just stood by me quietly without probing any questions like " what happen?" or " what's wrong?" we just stood there together, looking out of the window silently, just staying by me. Peace came before I had the strength to muster my enthusiastic energy to play games wih the kids after that. Just shows how sometimes, talking is not needed to make a person feel better. Sometimes, sitting silently together helps just as well. No nosy business, just enjoying each others company :) 

Had to write this, or I won't be able to sleep -.- midnight thoughts are ruining my beauty sleep! 

Midnight thoughts

There are many things that my heart tugs me to do, things which are right, things which are noble, things to stand up for; but somehow eventually I would move away cowardly from that instinct, brush it under the carpet, ignore that instinct, afraid of what others would think of me. Cowardly blaming it on the people around me giving excuses that if I were to stop and help, I would hold down the whole group. But then I would regret it later, and wallow in "what if's" that things would have been different if I did something. Wishful thinkings. 

Have you ever stand up for what you think is right? I've always been saying I'll do something next time, but in the end, same cowardly reaction. I need a catalyst... Oh where art thou? 

*sorry for not posting any updates on my french trip, was meaning to do it but wifi in France sux.. Now that I'm back, I'm quite lazy to plot my thoughts back on "paper" so I'll just let the pictures on fb do the talking ;)

Au Revoir Malaisie, bienvenue France!

I'm actually quite proud of myself for packing all my stuffs so meticulously into my luggage bag :D below the items on top that makes it so untidy are actually all my clothes all rolled up and organized. I hate myself for not taking a picture of it once I was done with the clothes layer lol taking it all out now would be a puzzle

piece since every space within the luggage is fully utilized. But oh well, I finally get to experience traveling overseas, to experience Autumn for the very first time ^^ pretty much ecstatic minus the assignments which I have to do there and the cultural performance -.- hopefully all turns out well and I return in one piece :) 

I suppose I'm suppose to have a travel log/diary, but since I don't, I shall just use this space as my travel log for now. I'll try to post up something every other day :) 

PBe careful of what you wish for...somethings are not given simply because you aren't ready yet. It may seem wonderful when someone else have it, or may even seem like the right thing to do, or the right thing to have in that context. But then you realize that when you have it, you don't know how to handle it, and it's not so wonderful to have anymore. But oh wells...I suppose we have to start somewhere do we?  

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"this is my best friend, break her heart and I'll break your face" somehow I'm very much neutral to this statement. I know of some friends who would hate the bf of the best friend if they dun treat them right, but to me I don't feel the need to hate them. I treat them as per normal if I see them around; Afterall it's between the both of them. Why should I hate him coz of what happen between them? Maybe I'll change my mind in the future; maybe I'm just not so emotionally involved. Meh..

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In whatever you do, family support is of utmost importance. Without their support nothing seems to be worth it. It's not as if u r doing it for them, but the negative energy that comes from it hinders u from performing the best that u can. Very discouraging indeed. Whoever your spouse of family member in the future, give support, encourage and motivate.

Inner peace

I used to hate being alone; would often worry what my life would become if I were to move out and stay alone, the thought of returning to an empty home scares me last time. I would also hate eating alone, coz its so awkward eating alone, that I would prefer sitting with someone and not talk at all then sitting alone. 

Now? Well i've changed my mind. I kinda like being alone. It gives me time to think and reflect on my life, having the freedom to do what I want to do whenever I want to. I find myself achieving more at home alone then when people are at home with me.  I dun mind eating alone, coz I like to observe the people around me, and wander off in my own fantasy land thinking what their life would be. I'm weird like that :) I know. 

Well, today ends the 9 day mark of my freedom. I didn't do anything wild, go crazy and paint the town red. I was just merely enjoying the peace, and I liked it. Didn't go clubbing, drink booze or go on road trips. Not my kind of lifestyle, I used to think I'm the outgoing type but really.. Only to a certain extend, beyond that I'm pretty much a homey person :) 

Downhill

It's been a downhill week this week. Since Monday, nothing seems to be happening right. One wave after another, I thank God I had the strength to pull through. I thank God I had friends who were there for me and the miraculous things he has done for me despite of my circumstances.

Last Thursday, I attended a funeral of a friend's brother. Passed away at a tender age of 20, he left so suddenly after being hit by a lorry, without any heart preparation for the situation to happen. Having cancer suddenly feels like a better option. I didn't know the brother personally, nor have I spoken to him before, but through lives that he has touched while he was alive, made me know that he was a great man, a man of faith, a man of great love. Someone even in his last moments on earth, in a coffin, still manages to touch lives of those who attended the funeral through the people he once loved and cared for. His life testimony inspired me, encouraged me and made me re-evaluate my life, thinking about it now still saddens me. Life is so fragile, you don't know what is gonna happen tomorrow. His departing taught me to value the people in your life, for you do not know when your time to meet the maker comes. His life shared through the eulogy made by his 2 sisters and his girlfriend, encouraged me and inspired me to be a person like him. Someone who has the passion for people, who loved unconditionally, passion for Christ, and beneath it all humble and cheerful/ Almost everyone who wrote an eulogy for him has a tinge of cheekiness in their speech reflecting his jovial and playful character when he was alive. Family members were shocked to see so many unfamiliar faces in the crowd that they had to change the venue of the wake due to overwhelming number of visitors, and that is how many lives that he has touched at just 20 years old. Perhaps maybe it's my first time attending a funeral thats why it seem so sad, everything said of the deceased was good and flowery because in which funeral would an eulogy be read as such : "He was a thief, a liar and always cheated when he had the chance, a good for nothing lad who deserves to die!" I couldn't help but think, one day if I died, who will do my eulogy? Will anyone attend my funeral? What good things have I done on earth which deserves to be mentioned? and then I realized I haven't done much...haven't left footprints on this earth, everyday was spent recklessly. It's a great wake up call to change my lifestyle, my attitude, my character, to re-evaluate my life once more.

Something which was said during the funeral can be applied so effectively in the tragedy that happen just a day before the funeral."....the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away..." That was the answer of my question to God on why this happened to me. It was partially my own silly mistake as well, but I do question, why me? Isn't your hand of protection upon me? Aren't You with me Lord? but that one sentence gave me rest, and if it is thy will then so be it. I forgive the person who did it, and am grateful for the subtle things that arise from it.

Definitely an eventful week that has taught me many life lessons during the journey. I could suddenly understand and comprehend certain things in life, things which were often taken for granted or just didn't know the value of. Lesson learnt and life goes on...........

Dissertation

Someone once told me, "If someone says you are rich, don't deny it, say "thank you" and be grateful for what you have." So I was in University of Malaya today, giving out my questionnaires to students there wanting to know their perception towards what motivates them.Naturally being an outsider there, people gave me a look the moment they see the Taylor's logo on my questionnaire. I can understand that they are thinking "what are you doing here?" coz some say it out loud while some gave me the what-are-you-doing-here look. Coming to the main point, there is this one guy, who I gave my questionnaire to, after collecting it from him and just about to leave, I heard him scoffing away "huh, Taylor's......all the "you qian ren" place" When I overheard him, I felt disappointed? angry? I dunno, it was a mixed feeling, but I knew I wanted to go back and give him a piece of my mind; but then again I thought what was the point, so I just smirked and went away.

I was imagining in my mind, "rehearsing the scenario" if i were to give him a piece of my mind that not all Taylorians are rich, that some of us have to work hard to sustain a scholarship and take up loans and that he should just mind his own business and play his expensive smartphone. Anyway, this post is not about hating this guy or anything, because when I come to think about it, I am privileged to be able to receive branded education from Taylor's, to be able to pursue whatever course I want in a campus that provides that campus experience and to be honest, my family is quite well off also, though not rich but enough to sustain a comfortable lifestyle. I suppose why people have a bad impression on people who are perceived rich because they are always being perceived as spoiled and pampered whether by their own experience or by the media. So I suppose, if someone calls you rich, just say "thank you" and be grateful for what you have, even if you are not rich; and as long as you know your heart that you are not the spoiled brat that other people perceive you to be then it's ok, because at the end of the day, that person is a nobody, and you live for yourself and your expectations and not what others want you to be. I'm blessed =)