3 things I'm grateful for today:
#1 sufficient rest, it's been some time since I had a full 8 hours of sleep. I was in a better mood to face my class.
#2 students actually turn up for class today during luar sidang, though still not satisfactory for some classes, but it's a start. Hoping to impact them one person at a time.
#3 Grateful that my 4C class are obedient students. I came out of that class feeling energized.
I'm also grateful for friends, reflecting back on my past few days. Thank you for all those gifts that came pouring in since last week Thursday =) little surprises that arrived on the day of my birthday and the small surprise party at home awaiting me on Saturday. Thank you for all who called/sms me to wish me Happy Birthday but ended up listening to me rant about my day. Unfortunaly birthday does not equal to having things your way day, but in fact in went totally up side down for me. I apologize if you have to hear/read my rant but I find that I feel better after ranting, and ranting helps me to think better and think objectively. Talking to people and expressing my feelings helps me to help myself and reflect.
[DISCLAIMER: STOP IF YOU DON"T WANNA READ RANTS]
So yea, here is my story...whether coincidentally or not, most of the classes that I teach are challenging. Some challenging in terms of behaviorally and academically while some are just challenging academically. I didn't think much about it to be honest, but having other teacher's pity me and looking at my timetable and say "ini nasib-lah" really got me thinking. So yea, I had a terrible Monday. It was really challenging since that was the first week where I finally started teaching. Disruptive students, students who challenge you, students who are disobedient you name it, i've got them all. 4 out of 5 classes, I felt like a failure. What lifted my spirit was that last PJK class, where though not many students turn up, but the students seem to like my presence, and they cheered me up with their bubbly energy. Seeing these kids smile made me smile. However, through the events of the day, I went home holding back tears. I felt like I don't know how to help these kids, I felt like I didn't do a good enough job, I felt like I could have done more to make class interesting. I felt like I was like the rest of the teacher where by right I should be the one bringing change. I felt so bogged down by the paperwork I had to do, imagining the amount of time I had to spend with every child i gave a demerit ticket to (100+ students), imagining if that were to happen, how am I going to do my lesson planning? All those thoughts and worries got me overwhelmed and tired. It's a challenging journey ahead indeed. So on that faithful Monday, I came home to a surprise bday gift from buttface which brightened up my day followed by a phone call from Marcus which was meant to wish me Happy Birthday but ended up hearing me rant, later that night, I got a whatsapp from my LG member giving me encouragement and prayer through whatsapp, all of which helped lifted my spirits. After chatting with numerous people, I felt better afterwards and it got me reflecting.
Everything happens for a reason. I am here placed in this school for a reason. It reminded me why I joined TFM in the first place and how I would rather be in a challenging school than in a performing school where life for me would be easier. I'm here coz if no one shows these students love and care then who will? Though my school is not a performing school, but I respect it for receiving all these students, giving them a chance to obtain an education. I personally don't like the idea of "buang sekolah" because if students di-buang sekolah, what sort of a future are we leaving our nation in? To me, nothing good comes out of students di-buang sekolah. This experience also taught me reflect on what sort of a vision do I have for my kids? It taught me that worrying/grumbling does not solve anything, but doing something would. You'll never know if you don't try, and even if it fails, just pick yourself up and try again. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but so many times we enter into situations thinking change would happen in a day/week; but after this week, through this experience and recalling what my seniors told me, "it takes a lot of trial and error" looks like change isn't going to happen overnight, but it's going to be a long journey of patience. perseverance and a dare to fail attitude. My emotions has been on a roller coaster ride, some days high some days low and it's always good to have some time to reflect on the day/week. I happen to do it today coz I finally got a breather =D Oh and the worst is yet to come. My school is going to have a new class, how this class is formed? Well they just extract all the challenging students from all classes across form 4 and put them all into one class so that there won't be any disruption in the other classes. Guess who their form teacher is? hahaha well it's yours truly ;)
I'm sort of liking the challenge that they throw at me, coz if I manage to bring their academic level up, it just proves that all students can learn...we'll see how it goes..
For now, toodles!
Love,
Mae
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