Sometimes, I think about my past work experience as an intern. I think of the transition from study life to work life. I used to hear people say that the transition was hard and a challenge to adapt to. I didn't understand until I went for my internship in Le Meridien, where I was constantly yelled at by my boss and kept on my toes all the time. My boss told me during my interview that if I can stand her, everything else would be peanuts. My colleagues told me, if I can stand her, nothing is impossible for me. I still remember the dreaded feelings I had when I go to work, mainly coz I was trying to adapt to my new environment.. 3 and a half months into the company and I still found it a challenge. Today I'm reminded of those feelings. Waking up and going to school sometimes feels challenging. With all the new responsibilities, duties, paperwork, lesson planning, syllabus and students can seem overwhelming; but somehow I don't picture myself going back to the corporate world. I don't know if I would change my mind in the future, but for now, I can't imagine going back to the corporate world. It's like all the uncertainties that I face now, I would rather have those as compared to having uncertainties in the corporate world coz I know I'm facing these challenges for a cause. Before entering the program, I knew that it was going to be hard, but what I didn't know was that it was going to be THIS hard, but I will persevere on for a good cause. Somehow knowing that end goal makes the challenges bearable. 

Today I tried something new in my most challenging class, for the first time, I had their attention and were listening to me. What surprise me the most was that the same method did not work so well with my better class kids :/ but I'm gonna celebrate the little success for my 3A and 3B class. Some people say that these kind of kids have no hope, but today I saw hope in them, and I hope I can change the view point of people too that all kids have the potential to learn and can excel. Every time I think of how difficult my kids are, I think of the people who works for Dignity, how teachers have to go into squatter homes where kids live in sad conditions, and are sometimes expose to sexual and physical abuse and drag them to come to school. Thinking of the kids they face and comparing it to mine.. Mine seems like nothing. 

Though for now I don't know if I'm making an impact at all, but at the end of the day I know for sure I'm coming out a different person. Hoping for a better and brighter tomorrow :)

I'm grateful for.....(2nd week into teaching)

3 things I'm grateful for today:
#1 sufficient rest, it's been some time since I had a full 8 hours of sleep. I was in a better mood to face my class.
#2 students actually turn up for class today during luar sidang, though still not satisfactory for some classes, but it's a start. Hoping to impact them one person at a time.
#3 Grateful that my 4C class are obedient students. I came out of that class feeling energized.


I'm also grateful for friends, reflecting back on my past few days. Thank you for all those gifts that came pouring in since last week Thursday =) little surprises that arrived on the day of my birthday and the small surprise party at home awaiting me on Saturday. Thank you for all who called/sms me to wish me Happy Birthday but ended up listening to me rant about my day. Unfortunaly birthday does not equal to having things your way day, but in fact in went totally up side down for me. I apologize if you have to hear/read my rant but I find that I feel better after ranting, and ranting helps me to think better and think objectively. Talking to people and expressing my feelings helps me to help myself and reflect.

[DISCLAIMER: STOP IF YOU DON"T WANNA READ RANTS]

So yea, here is my story...whether coincidentally or not, most of the classes that I teach are challenging. Some challenging in terms of behaviorally and academically while some are just challenging academically. I didn't think much about it to be honest, but having other teacher's pity me and looking at my timetable and say "ini nasib-lah" really got me thinking. So yea, I had a terrible Monday. It was really challenging since that was the first week where I finally started teaching. Disruptive students, students who challenge you, students who are disobedient you name it, i've got them all. 4 out of 5 classes, I felt like a failure. What lifted my spirit was that last PJK class, where though not many students turn up, but the students seem to like my presence, and they cheered me up with their bubbly energy. Seeing these kids smile made me smile. However, through the events of the day, I went home holding back tears. I felt like I don't know how to help these kids, I felt like I didn't do a good enough job, I felt like I could have done more to make class interesting. I felt like I was like the rest of the teacher where by right I should be the one bringing change. I felt so bogged down by the paperwork I had to do, imagining the amount of time I had to spend with every child i gave a demerit ticket to (100+ students), imagining if that were to happen, how am I going to do my lesson planning? All those thoughts and worries got me overwhelmed and tired. It's a challenging journey ahead indeed. So on that faithful Monday, I came home to a surprise bday gift from buttface which brightened up my day followed by a phone call from Marcus which was meant to wish me Happy Birthday but ended up hearing me rant, later that night, I got a whatsapp from my LG member giving me encouragement and prayer through whatsapp, all of which helped lifted my spirits. After chatting with numerous people, I felt better afterwards and it got me reflecting.

Everything happens for a reason. I am here placed in this school for a reason. It reminded me why I joined TFM in the first place and how I would rather be in a challenging school than in a performing school where life for me would be easier. I'm here coz if no one shows these students love and care then who will? Though my school is not a performing school, but I respect it for receiving all these students, giving them a chance to obtain an education. I personally don't like the idea of "buang sekolah" because if students di-buang sekolah, what sort of a future are we leaving our nation in? To me, nothing good comes out of students di-buang sekolah. This experience also taught me reflect on what sort of a vision do I have for my kids? It taught me that worrying/grumbling does not solve anything, but doing something would. You'll never know if you don't try, and even if it fails, just pick yourself up and try again. Not sure if I mentioned this before, but so many times we enter into situations thinking change would happen in a day/week; but after this week, through this experience and recalling what my seniors told me, "it takes a lot of trial and error" looks like change isn't going to happen overnight, but it's going to be a long journey of patience. perseverance and a dare to fail attitude. My emotions has been on a roller coaster ride, some days high some days low and it's always good to have some time to reflect on the day/week. I happen to do it today coz I finally got a breather =D Oh and the worst is yet to come. My school is going to have a new class, how this class is formed? Well they just extract all the challenging students from all classes across form 4 and put them all into one class so that there won't be any disruption in the other classes. Guess who their form teacher is? hahaha well it's yours truly ;)

I'm sort of liking the challenge that they throw at me, coz if I manage to bring their academic level up, it just proves that all students can learn...we'll see how it goes..

For now, toodles!

Love,
Mae

1st day of class

3 things I'm grateful for:

- The number of people who are concerned about me and texted/called me to ask about my day. 

- Helpful teachers or fellow colleagues who are so helpful in the midst of chaos.

- Students who are obedient but cheeky. At least they aren't gangsters.. or maybe the tail isn't out yet..

First day of school, suppose to have 5 classes but end up only going to 2 because 1 class had orientation, while the other 2 conveniently ponteng my class. Partly my fault for not urging them to come (or should I say threaten?) I could finally understand all the loopholes in the education system, I remember complaining about how teachers are incompetent, don't know how to speak English but teaching us Chemistry. It's the same now, and I feel like it's karma. I could understand why teachers are so unmotivated because the system suck out the joy of teaching. I not only have to deal with different classes of kids but also tackle the admin side of work. Still trying to adapt to my new environment and getting the groove of it. There are times I felt lost, there were times I wondered, what have I done to myself? There were times I felt so distant from the vision I once had. I suppose after today, I learn a valuable lesson myself. So many times we go into situations and we think we can change it in a day. That everything will go according to plan. We always have the perfect imagination in our heads don't we? But today taught me to persevere, to not give up and that good things do not happen overnight. It takes a lot of trial and error and the question is only "are you afraid to fall?". Learning from mistakes and picking yourself up. I've always been a person whose afraid to fall, but I suppose it's time to take those training wheels off the bicycle and challenge myself to greater heights. 

So I was told, to be grateful for 3 things in your life everyday and you will view life in a more positive perspective and not to compare your life against others who seem to be doing better than you. So today I'm grateful for:

1) A healthy body and a normal menstrual cycle
Seems something like I always take for granted and even complaint about sometimes, but these few days, talking to people and getting to know them better helps me to be grateful and appreciate the perfect health that I have. Menstrual pains, that I constantly complaint about, seems such a small problem when some people don't even have their period for 6 months. Seems like heaven and lucrative even that my friends don't have to go through such pain every month, but coming to think of it, it's not normal and it does affects your health as a whole. Many other complications comes when your body does not function "normally".

2) The luxurious choice of being alone, but never ever have to feel lonely.
Reflecting on my life, I've never been lonely. Regardless of where I go, I always have the company of friends and family with me; be it my internship in Langkawi, my trip to Australia and my 2 years fellowship now in Miri. Why I say it's a luxurious choice? Coz there are colleagues of mine who are placed in schools where they are sole rangers. They have no choice but to be alone, and they feel lonely. I on the other hand can have the choice to join social activities or choose to spend some alone time with myself...something I use to take for granted as well. I used to be so busy with activities that I crave alone time, but thinking about alone time for a long time seems like a road I don't want to walk down. I love spending time alone but I sure do not appreciate being lonely.

3) For supportive family and a Mum who teaches me so much
So little credit has been given to my mum and it was entirely my fault, so today I'm going to make that right. It's always so easy to focus on the bad side of people, that we forgot to highlight the good side of a person. Well my mum? She's pretty awesome, like how she makes sure your favourite dishes are on the table after you've been away from home for a long time. I know she always has me on her mind when she goes shopping overseas, maybe coz we spend alot of time shopping together ;), maybe coz we are girls and have more in common as compared to my brothers. It was my mom who taught me how to cook and trained me to do housework. I'm proud to say I can survive on my own not because I went to hotel school, but because my mum trained me well. Every dish that I cook here for my housemates are of my mum's training and none of it came from my training in hotel school nor my industrial training. My mum taught me selflessness through her actions. My mum is one of those mum who would be full when there isn't enough food on the table, would develop a love for a certain part of the fish when the whole family doesn't like that certain part, wouldn't feel hot on a sunny day so that we the children can enjoy the air-con at the back of the car. That's my mum. I don't only learn this or realize this now that I'm away from home, but I realized this long ago and practice it on the people who are placed under my care. I love others the way I love because of her. Sometimes not mentioning something doesn't mean I don't realize it. My mum is strict, and she doesn't exactly express her love in ways that the physical eye can see, and sometimes when we are not mature enough to see with our hearts, we think that other people's mum are better because they shower their kids with very physical love. My mum's tough love made me who I am today, though I would say with tough love comes with some scars along the way, but nevertheless it made me independent. I might not agree with everything my mother does but she is still the best mum I can ever ask for. Perhaps my mum and I are pretty similar. We never admit in front of others how good the other party is. People would praise me, and my mum would give all sorts of negative comments about me and likewise for me; but one day my mum secretly told me, "actually I'm proud of you when people praise you, but then I cannot say "yalor yalor" like bragging only so must say something to counter lo" Apart from that one time, my mum has never said that she was proud of me; through my PMR, SPM and the awards I win in high school. There were times I doubted if she was ever proud of me. I remembered she said it was such a waste that I took Hotel Management with the results that I got, and after 4 years of studying I'm now doing something totally different than the degree that I took. I remembered her saying how did I turn out like this, to want to do something like TFM, how she dislikes the fact that I would be going into rural schools, meeting "don't-know-what-sort-of -people" as she call it and asking why must I be the one to go, why not let other people do it. Even after all those questions, she still allows me to pursuit what I want to do, and not only allow but also by supporting me financially and sometimes emotionally too (which was so rare! of all my Uni years doing similar kinds of things she wasn't even THAT supportive, it was a waste of time back then to her -.-) Perhaps she has "given-up" on me, that I am old enough to make my own decisions. Though my mum did not explicitly express her pride in me, but I do see it in her when she tells my relatives "She's a teacher" with a smile. Maybe..just maybe..she is finally proud of me =) I love you mum!