I need to rant

My Schedule for tomorrow:

8.20-9.40 : Class
11.15-12.35: Class
12.35 - 1.15: Meeting (1)
2.30- 5.00: Meeting (2)
5.00 - 6.30: Extra Class

Meetings never ends on time.
Meetings means more job to do
Teach, attend meetings, extra work to do, more teaching.

DIE

Reached my body's limit

Today I experienced something I've never experienced before in my entire life. Its one of those horrible experience but yet I found it really interesting. So ive been working out at a gym recently to train for my upcoming hike at Mt KK and also viper Challenge at the end of the year. I got myself a personal trainer to teach me the right technique and also to push me and discipline me. I really outdid myself today. I did cardio, shoulders, biceps and chest and after that I felt like I was about to throw up, so I told my trainer to halt it. I started seeing stars.. and I eventually puked. I felt a little bit better after puking, but thats where the interesting thing happened. Stars started to cloud my vision, and I was completely blind. I can hear voices and instructions to take deep breaths, to pace, and to clap my hands. I knew my eyes were open, but I cant see anything. He asked me to walk, but I couldnt see where I was going. Blind, out of breath, neasous is a combo you dont wanna have. Deep breaths and hands clapping eventually worked, and I slowly regained back my vision by first seeing silhouettes and then colour. It was one of the worst feelings I've ever had, but yet one that intrigues me about the human body. Apparently, according to my trainer, my face was really pale, and after regaining my sight, my face flushed red again and he knew that I was ok.

I suppose I can now understand the look that he gives me sometimes. I used to think why does he look at me like that? But now I know the look on his face is a reflection of how pale I look in the face. I tend to push myself hard, ignoring pain because I thought no pain = no gain, and pain is a natural process of working out. After today, I finally realised there is a limit. And if I see that concerned look on his face? I should probably take a chill pill :)

Teachers as Leaders?

When I first join TFM, I join it for the sole purpose of the very apt hashtag #ForTheKids that TFM has. Some people saw joining the 2 year fellowship as a leadership development program. Back then, I couldn't see the connection of teaching and leadership. You mean teachers are leaders? Leadership in the teaching profession has never crossed my mind, simply because..well, you teach then you teach la! What is there to leadership in that?

Boy oh boy...I was wrong. There is so much about leadership to learn in the teaching profession. In fact tips and advice read in leadership books such as Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek etc. can be directly applied in the classroom. To be honest, I don't think I would be able to practice those values if I were to join corporate as a fresh grad, coz I would most probably be following another person's values and leadership instead of creating those values and being the leader of my team; however being a teacher gave me the privilege of having and doing all that. 

In the past 1 year and 4 months, I had a whole class of students chanting "PJ! PJ! PJ!" while banging the table in protest style just because I had to go back on my word of bringing them out for PJ (Physical Ed) due to circumstances out of my control. (it was raining!) I had students who after being threatened by me to get 15 demerit points for misbehavior, asked for an additional 60 demerit points, just so that he can be suspended and get a week's "holiday". I have a student who ignored my punishment for her to stand outside of class because she was fashionably late and she coolly walked away even after I yelled along the corridor to ask her to stand where stood. I had students who challenge me back when I gave them punishment for coming late into class, who hurl insults to me right in front of my face as if "respect for teachers" doesn't mean a thing to them. Not to forget the countless students who I tried to wake up during lesson time, but chose to ignore me even though I know they could hear me loud and clear. 

So, why am I telling you about all this? What does any of all these have to do with leadership? Being a teacher taught me that you can't force a person to do something they don't want to do; there is no such thing as "I have no choice". This is especially true in the classroom. In the workplace, you can threaten your staff of their salary or even their job if they demonstrate undesirable behavior to curb misconduct; in the classroom, there really isn't anything to hold them against (especially in my school's context) these kids don't see the point of coming to school anyway. Suspend them, they are happy they get extra holiday. Expel them, they are happy too because they don't want to be in school in the first place. Therefore being able to lead in a way where students follow you because they want to is something worth giving yourself a pat on the back for. It took me a year to gain the trust of my 5F students. It was a humbling experience of being on the ground with students instead of "Hey I'm your teacher! LISTEN TO MEEE!" Though not 100% of the class is with me, but I managed to get almost half of the class to be invested in mathematics and they now come to my extra classes regularly.

Every now and then, I get a new perspective of looking at things from the everyday situations that happens in class and in school. It reminds me of our nation, and being a teacher is a little like ruling your own small country in the school. It teaches me so much about actions and consequences in a small scale instead of at a national level (talk about Bersih 4.0)

Just my 2 cents of thoughts while invigilating exams today.       

A reminder to myself

Scrolling through Facebook sometimes gets very depressing because you just can't help but feel envious about other people's life. I see people who are younger than me, celebrating their birthday in extravagance, in hotels with enormous helium balloons with the number 23 on it, and I can't help but to go "WOW" at those pictures. 

However, everytime I see those pictures, I'm always reminded of how privileged I am and how my experience here has humbled me. I'm grateful and privileged to be born into a family where I do not have to worry about the financial standings of my family. I can choose a career path of what I want and love to do instead of being forced to do a job which I hate, but able to put food on the table. In fact in my current job, my parents still do and are able to sustain me financially as I'm a lowly paid government employee. (even though I try hard not to get financial aid from them) I'm privileged because I have a stable education background. I didn't have to study by day and work by night to sustain my family. In fact I was not allowed to do so, my sole responsibility was to study. Period. Didn't know the importance of it til I saw my kids living it. Who am I to tell them that their sole responsibility is to study when they have mouths to feed? I'm privileged because I came from a loving family, a supporting one where both parents cared for my education. I'm privileged to be who I am today, not because of my hardwork, but by the hardwork of my parents who have toiled to give us, my brothers and I, a future; a head start in life which not many people have. It's so easily taken for granted because I'm surrounded by people like me, with similar backgrounds, so it does seem normal to have these things. 

Today, I'm reminded that I should be grateful for what I have, and not to covet what I do not. 

Simple Pleasure of Life

The simple pleasures of life is
waking up early on a Saturday morning,
accompanying my mum to go to the market,
stocking up our fridge for the rest of the week.

You might think that I hate going to the market,
but it's at the market where you get to see interesting innovations,
you get to witness stall owners disappear into thin air when the DBKL comes,
most importantly, I get to spend time with my mum over breakfast.

The simple pleasures of life is
going for morning walks with my dad in the park,
I could choose a more vigorous workout by jogging,
but I love to follow the pace of my dad and spend time with him.

We talk about almost anything under the sun,
sometimes we joke about the people we see in the park,
sometimes we talk about life,
sometimes we just walk in silence, taking in the wonderful view of the park.

The simple pleasures of life is
disturbing my oldest brother as he plays DOTA,
making cringe worthy comments as he plays
while escaping the "punishments" as his game was more important.

No matter what game he plays,
I would have a comment that would irk him,
I would later face my sentence when the game is over
trying to run is futile and I would usually succumb to his vicious tickles and body slams.

The simple pleasures of life is
now just a memory in this far away place.
I still go for jogs and I still go to the market,
but bits and pieces of what I see, brings back memories of the good old times.

It thought me of the simple things in life
can bring about happiness,
It doesn't require a lot money
but just a grateful heart

Are you lonesome tonight?

I used to remember a time when I was still studying, I would imagine the future, when I have moved out of my parents house and being financially independent, imagine coming home to a quiet house, eating meals alone, watching TV alone; and that thought scared me. That need to be socially connected was so strong back then that I hated to dine alone in campus; that I would prefer to eat with somebody and not talk than to eat alone.

Today, I no longer have that fear. In fact, I love being alone and having some "me" time. To shut myself in my room, lay in bed all day, do the things I want to do, whenever I want to and go where ever I want to. I even started to catch movies in cinemas on my own too! That thought used to scare me too, but I enjoy watching a movie whenever I feel like it without having to consider other people's schedule. It comes with a perk too, I get to watch the movie with cheaper rates too since my schedule allows it. (Wednesday ftw!)  Weird thing about watching movies on weekday afternoon? The hall is almost empty. I think it's a little unusual here for people to go cinemas alone, coz the only other people who were in the hall with me were 2 other couples. Thank goodness for them or else it would have been awkward if I was the only one there, or maybe not...I could have put my legs on the seat in front..........just kidding. The Intern was a good movie. I like how humble the intern was even though he was a high and mighty VP during his glory days. Imagine being an intern doing all the mundane task like getting coffee, clearing desk etc. Not so sure someone with an impressive past would have brought himself down to the level to do that sort of thing. It taught me a lot about attitude and how you can be a blessing where ever you are. About simple random act of kindness can melt the coldest of hearts and just going the extra mile. I suppose hospitality teaches you all these things as well, but it has to come with passion.

So much has changed within the past year. I no longer join events only when other people joins them, but I join them because I want to and I'll go regardless if I go with a partner or not. If there is a partner then it's a bonus, but if not, I'm fine =) and I kinda like it that way.

Be a catalyst

It's been a while since I last posted something here. I've now got 2 blogs to manage and I just wanted to "pen" for dear future me to be able to read it.

Yesterday, I've decided to take a solo trip back to Ipoh to visit my grandma and grandpa each from different side of the family. Before heading off to the train station, I had breakfast with my dad. During breakfast, we were talking about the oil and gas industry and how much remuneration they offer for people who are willing to relocate. It was ALOT of money, and I was thinking what I would do after my 2 years as a teacher. Should I stay; earn less, or should I leave; earn more. The conversation drifted to how boring a job an oil and has company has, dealing with things/issues that I'm probably not interested in, and I said "I think my heart lies in the social sector" and my dad replied " In Malaysia, nobody takes care of the social workers. You would give and give and at the end of the day when you need help, nobody helps you. Other countries they acknowledge your contributions." To which I replied "Then we should fight for it!" And my dad said "Malaysia has not even provide us our basic need to food, clothing and shelter; what makes you think Malaysia would protect social needs which is higher on the Maslow's hierarchy of needs? If you want to do social work, get a job overseas where the country protects social rights and need, get a citizenship there and then u can do whatever you want." 

I understand where my dad is coming from. Who doesn't want their child to have greener pastures; and who doesn't want to have a better life for themselves too? But to me, why leave the country when your country needs you? Why contribute to other countries when your country needs you? Just as a parent who does not leave their child in difficult times, so we as fellow Malaysians shouldn't leave when Malaysia is having it's difficult times. 

Malaysia is already in a shitty place, and if all our local talent were to just leave, what would be left for Malaysia? Running away does not solve the problem, running away makes the problem worst. Going to a new country and getting a citizenship makes life easier for you, but what about the people back home? What about our future generations? And so I urge for all Malaysians to make a deliberate choice to stay, because Malaysia needs you; it needs changes, and with local talent abroad, how can we be the catalyst to change this nation?